Living in Maine comes with many trials and tribulations. Even for the best drivers (myself included), living in the great wilderness of Maine can mean many cases of vehicular manslaughter on animals. If this same situation has happened to you, you are in the right place! In this issue’s advice column, I will give you tips from an experienced animal-hitter, and answer any questions you may have. For example, you may be thinking, how many times is TOO many times? While I cannot directly answer this question for you, I can inform you that four animal hit-and-runs is perfectly acceptable. You may also ask, “When I hit an animal, what do I do?” My answer is the same as the popular Harry Styles lyric: “just keep driving”. If (or if you’re like me, when) you hit an animal, keep driving and attempt to forget about the incident. Go home, cry to your friends and family, and attempt to forget this horrible incident.
It is also important to note that different animals elicit different reactions from a driver. For example, hitting a squirrel has the tendency to make one feel ashamed, but not TOO ashamed. In contrast, hitting a deer follows the following line of thinking: first of all, one may feel mortified, and scared. One will go through the five stages of grief, but then guiltily contemplate if/how much the product of the accident will cost if sold to an eager hunter. And last of all, if it is a duck that is hit, the driver in question will likely start to think about the popular children’s story “the ugly duckling” and subsequently not feel bad anymore, because the duck has definitely made fun of a swan in its lifetime, so it was deserved. This is not to say that the driver does not feel remorse when they hit an animal. Take it from me: the driver IS traumatized, but for an optimistic person, it is hard to focus on the negatives for very long. My biggest piece of advice as somebody who has run over my fair share of animals is this: remember that it’s OKAY.
Update: Maggie has since hit a fifth animal. Please be careful driving...and while walking near Maggie’s house.